God, a whole mess of nachos sounds good right now.
I don't have a car no more. Can you come get me?
I'll get you. Which one of your cars do you miss the most? I'll bring that one.
-I miss the Hummer. -I'm coming in the Hummer.
-Are you ready? -Yeah. No, wait.
Okay. Our friendship is done. All right?
-You hear? -You wanna hang out in your house.
-Come on. -Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up.
Okay, that's it. Bye.
Oh, man, this is absolutely crazy. I mean, this is borderline reckless.
Don't you get it? You don't drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.
This is just dumb. I can't see a thing.
You gotta feel the road. You gotta let it live inside you.
-Are you feeling anything now? -I'm feeling a little bit.
What do you feel? Tell me what you're feeling.
I'm feeling the worn wood of the steering wheel.
-Yeah. What else? -A little bit of heat.
That's you and the car melded together.
Yeah, now I'm really feeling it. I feel like the car could drive itself.
I bet it could. Start her up.
I'm gonna start this car up.
Attaboy. All right, son.
Drive.
I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.
You know what? We better hightail it out of here. Frank's gonna be pissed.
All right.
No, no, Ricky. No blindfold.
Get this highway clean, come on.
I gotta tell you, Granny, this blows.
-How much more of this? -I don't know.
How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio in the bathtub?
-Hello? -Hey, man. You up?
-No. -Wake up. I need to talk to you.
I think your house is haunted.
Hey, come on. It's 2:30 in the morning.
I can't sleep in here, man. I'm scared.
Look, there's nothing to be scared of. It's a new house...
...there's a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it.
-Put on-- You got your TV on? -Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on.
-Turn on channel 42. -Forty-two?
-Look at them buns. -Well, that is a set of buns.
And down, and down, and--
What's she doing exercising at 2:30 in the morning?
Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.
I don't know why I'm talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?
Hey, man, you know what I was thinking?
-You're lucky. -I'm lucky?
-How so? -Well, check it out.
I'm sitting here in this enormous haunted mansion, can't sleep.
You're hanging out at your mom's. That's awesome.
-That's, like, the opposite of awesome. -Well, this is like a hotel room...
...with someone else's junk in it.
Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's junk, that used to be my stuff.
I'm just having a hard time, man. I'm just calling up for some support.
Do you--? Do you know how crazy that sounds?
-Hey, one more thing. -Yeah?
When you have the stereo on at the same time as the TV...
...how do you control the volume on the TV?
Why do you want to listen to the TV with the stereo on?
Because I like to party.
Why am I still talking to you?
Come on. We were doing good there, man.
I'm taking care of your house good.
I keep snapping back into it. It's like a trick you're pulling on me.
-All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow. -All right, man. Talk to you tomorrow.
Shit.
Get out.
Where did stock-car racing come from?
What?
-Hey, stop doing that. -How did stock-car racing get its start?
Bootleggers in Prohibition had to have cars fast enough to outrun the Feds...
-...then they started racing each other. -That's right.
If I was right, why'd you throw another bucket on me?
I filled up three. Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail.
Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.
So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue.
Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes...
...before they show up and you do five to 1 0.
So, what's it gonna be? Fear or prison?
-What the hell are you talking about? -Real simple, son.
Cops are coming.
There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man.
-You got hair on your peaches or what? -You're not kidding, are you? Man.
You crazy creep!
Come on, son. What's it gonna be?
Speed or jail?
Grandpa, would you like to take us fishing...
...and tell us life lessons and stories about your childhood?
I got a better idea.
Why don't you boys go dig a hole and I'll get another beer?
Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?
Good call. Here, that's worth a nickel.
Tragic.
Son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch.
Oh, man. Oh, man!
One-sixteen. One-sixteen!
I'm going fast again!
Pull over! Pull over!
Pull over? I'll pull over for you. How about this?
Where are you?
Gotcha.
"Feels good going fast, doesn't it?
By the way, don't try and snort these Lucky Charms. Reese."
Okay.
There you go, little man.
Hey, Ricky!
How you doing?
-Oh, Nana, not my prison shank. -ln the can.
There's your mother-flipping driving test.
Mr. Bobby, you are magnificent.
Down, Karen! Get down! Get down, Karen!
It's all right. It's gonna be okay.
Well, son, you are looking good behind that wheel.
Thanks, Daddy. I gotta tell you, I feel good. Heck, you know what?
Let's go out tonight, you know, the whole family.
I'm talking about sitting down, enjoying a gourmet meal...
...at a place that's real special.
-Hi. Those plates are hot. Enjoy. -You got your own skillet.
-Be back to check on you in a minute. -Thank you.
Oh, gooder than grits.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord baby Jesus...
...Iying there in your little ghost manger...
...just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos...
...Iearning about shapes and colors and....
We just have so much to be thankful for.
First off, my sons no longer act...
-...Iike retarded gangbangers. -Amen.
Also, I got my balls back behind the wheel of a car.
And most importantly, we thank you...
...for bringing back our nasty, delinquent, pot-dealing daddy to us.
For he was lost, but now he is found. Amen.
-Amen. -Amen.
Son, that was lovely.
-What a lovely meal. -lt sure is.
It certainly does look delicious.
I gotta tell you, this is about a damn perfect evening right now.
It is, isn't it?
You know what we should do?
Every week, we should come back to this Applebee's...
...and sit at this table, and have a family meal.
-That's a great idea, Mama. -And order the same stuff.
-That would be great. -And I would be delighted, Reese...
...if you would accompany me to ballroom dancing on Tuesday nights.
-Tuesday night? -It's a lot of fun.
-I think you'd have a good time. -How's everybody doing here?
-Dolly, it's so good. -Oh, it's really, really good.
You know, I just-- I hate to be a pain, darling...
...but I asked for no onions on my Bourbon Steak.
I am so sorry. I thought you asked for onions--
Okay, okay, maybe don't interrupt me.
-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. -Yeah, well, I think you did mean to...
...and I also think that you meant to put the damn onions on my steak.
-Okay, Reese. -Grandfather...
...can't we resolve this conflict without anger?
-I'm a veteran and a diabetic! -Dad!
-Dad! Why are you doing this? -Applebee's has rats!
I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!
Dad, where are you going?
Come on, frat boy, you wanna go?
-What's going on, man? -Ricky, let him go!
-Things were going good, weren't they? -That's exactly why I had to blow it up.
I don't know what organ or bone people have...
...that makes them act right, but I was born without it. I'm no good.
All those races I won, that was for you, you know that?
I did just like you told me: "lf you ain't first, you're last."
What the hell are you talking about?
What you told me that day at school for career day.
You came in and you said, "lf you ain't first, you're last."
Oh, hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
"You're first or last." You can be second, you can be third, fourth.
Hell, you can even be fifth.
What are you talking about? I lived my whole life based on that.
Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do?
Well, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?
Good luck to you, son.
Hey, Dad!
Where are you going?
Does it matter?
Here we go.
Hey, don't bump me.
Oh, man, I'm flying.
Game over. Come on, reset.
Boy, you are a terrible driver, no?
How'd you get on a video game so fast?
Is your name, by chance, Ricky Bobby?
Hey, screw you, man! I got nothing because of you!
-I hate you! -Hey, Ricky.
I am on fire. I am on fire.
Susan?
And so then I got a marketing job with NASCAR.
-Really? -Yeah, it's great. It's great.
Well, gosh, you look fantastic.
-Thank you. -I mean, you've always looked good.
I mean, I'm just-- I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
But what about you?
How have you been? What have you been doing?
Well, they want me to race at Talladega next weekend, but I'm not gonna do it.
Because I'm done. I'm done with the racing, with driving.
-Why would you do that? -Because I've really moved on.
I've sent in my application to The Real World...
...so I'm hoping to hear back.
I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket.
I'm also thinking about getting a gun and dealing crack.
Being a crack dealer, but not like a mean crack dealer, but like a....
You know, like a nice one.
Just kind of friendly, like, "Hey...
...what's up, guys? You want some crack?"
I'm just waiting on those two things to kind of flesh themselves out.
You know what, Ricky?
I have kept my mouth shut for a really, really long time.
And I just don't think that I can keep it shut anymore.
I just have to tell you that I think you are making a big mistake.
-Really? -Yes.
Why is it that you always fall for people who leave you?
Have you noticed that?
Like Carley and your dad and your sponsors.
And you always have to prove yourself. Wh--?
Well, you gotta listen to me here, okay?
You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that.
I mean, that's just life.
Look at Don Shula, legendary coach.
Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record...
...for eating all those hot dogs in a row.
Look at Rue McClanahan from The Golden Girls.
All three people, all great champions, all loved.
Do you wanna know why I think that you should race again?
Sure. Why?
Okay. It's because it's what you love, Ricky.
It is who you were born to be.
And here you sit, thinking.
Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver.
He is a doer. And that's what you need to do.
You don't need to think, you need to drive.
You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine.
You need to fire it up.
You need to grab hold of the line between speed and chaos...
...and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra.
And then, when that fear rises up in your belly, you use it...
...and you know that fear is powerful because it has been there...
...for billions of years! And it is good, and you use it, and you ride it.
You ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell...
...and then you win! You win!
You don't win for anybody else, you win for you. You know why?
Because a man takes what he wants, he takes it all.
And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Susan, I've never heard you talk like that.
Are we about to get it on?
Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
-This is awesome. -Yes, it is.
-Are you climbing on the table now? -Yes, sir.
I can't believe this.
This is like that Whitesnake video where the girl crawls on....
Yeah. Just like that. What's her name?
Tawny Kitaen. She's really good.
-She's great. -She's fantastic.
Everyone, turn away.
Things are gonna get crazy. We're gonna make animal noises.
-Looks good, damn good. -Yeah. That's good, guys.
Yeah, Ricky, it's good to be back.
-Talladega. -Talladega.
I missed you dudes.
Even you too, Glenn.
I didn't have a whole lot of money left, but what I did I put into the car.
We got some lower-end sponsors, so it's nothing to shout about...
...but at least we got something to run in.
Let's see what we got, guys.
What are we looking at? "Julio's thongs for men"?
Come on, what kind of dude wears a thong?
Yeah, that's messed up.
Perverts, you know?
It's not the best car, but it'll move.
Hold on, now, baby. Let's just see what this thing's got under the hood.
-There she is. -Looks like the Pep Boys threw up.
-Damn. -Like I said, work in progress.
All right, I tell you what we gotta do. Since we got no corporate money...
...we have to build this engine ourselves.
I want you to hit up every independent driver out there for spare parts.
Yeah, Lucius, that's crazy.
Well, crazy is all we got right now, okay? So do it.
Now, where you going?
I wanna tell Gerard Depardieu we're coming for him.
There you go, baby. Give him hell.
Get this engine built. Get it built.
I have not finished.
Monsieur Girard, Ricky Bobby is here to see you.
This is the one I was talking about, Ricky Bobby.
Thank you, Bacco. Go.
You're a tough man to find. You know that, buster?
I prefer solitude the day before a race.
I am being so incredibly rude, Monsieur Bobby.
Let me introduce you to my lunch guests.
This is my dear old friend Elvis Costello.
Delightful to meet you, Mr. Robert. I thought you were dead.
And next to him is hip-hop artist, poet and my brother-in-law, Mos Def.
I like your driving style. I'm more of a Tony Stewart man...
...number 20 car, myself.
How he gets into those straightaways.
Gets it in the paint. Get her done!
And across from Monsieur Def...
...is Breeze.
Hey. You're Breeze or you're Breeze? Which one of you is Breeze?
Together we are Breeze.
They are like twins, born from different wombs.
-Right. -They are God's most...
...beautiful mistake.
They do everything together. Everything.
They read the same books.
They do Pilates together.
They walk, talk, sleep...
...even go make toilet.
Okay, you're starting to creep me out, man.
A single plop.
One single plop.
I don't need to hear about doing a toilet.
You want more examples?
-No, you listed like 8000. -Less than that.
-It's none of my business. -More like...
...I don't know, between five and 1 0.
Look, I need to talk to you.
Walk with me, Ricky Bobby.
-You have a good lunch. -Take care, man.
-Goodbye, Ricky. -Goodbye.
Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
It is a sign of friendship in many countries.
Well, not in ours.
There's nothing sexual about it.
Please don't be worried at the fact I have an erection.
-lt has nothing to do with you. -Hey, come on.
Look. Here's the deal. I came here to tell you one thing.
All right? Tomorrow, I'm coming for you.
Do you know why I came to America, Ricky Bobby?
Public schools, health-care system, giant water parks.
I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America.
I came here for you to beat me.
-What the hell are you talking about? -My husband, Gregory, and l...
...wish only for that which every other couple wishes for:
To tame Komodo dragons in Sri Lanka...
...and teach them to perform Hamlet.
But before I can do that....
-That's dumb. -It's not dumb.
-lt is dumb. -Why is it dumb?
-I don't know. -But before I can do that...
...I must be beaten by a driver who's truly better than me.
So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?
-No. -No?
No!
I will battle you with the entirety of my heart.
And you will probably lose.
But maybe, just maybe...
...you might challenge me.
God needs the devil.
The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones.
Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric.
Will you be my Katie Couric?
I feel like I'm in Highlander.
What's the Highlander?
It's a movie.
-Any good? -Very good.
-lt won the Academy Award. -Oh, for what?
For best movie ever made.
I just want you to know I came here today to tell you one thing.
That come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you, all right?
-May God be with you. -Yeah.
Because although today I am friendly...
...tomorrow will be war!
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, pull up a chair, drop the kids off with their aunt...
...and take the phone off the hook because it's race day here...
...at the Talladega Superspeedway.
Hey, guys.
-Why so down? -Ricky...
...we were up all night working on the car.
And then something happened. There was a fire.
Did you say "fire"?
Glenn is dead, Ricky.
I mean, he died last night in my arms...
-...as I held him. -Oh, man.
He was so scared, because you know how little he is.
And death was coming for him, and he stood there...
...and with a tear coming out his eyes, he said, "Tell Ricky, win for me."
That's all that little bastard wanted, was for you to win.
I wish you could've seen him.
I wish you could've felt his little heart fluttering.
Sweet Jesus.
Poor Glenn.
Hey, what the hell, man. Hey, Glenn. Glenn!
-I see you. -Glenn, what did I say?
-I said, "Wait till after the race." -Was he crying?
I'm sorry, Ricky. We were just trying to give you a little extra motivation.
Well, that is just sick, guys.
It's okay, Susie. I appreciate it, guys.
Just trying to help out...
...even though it was weird and perverse.
They're just trying to help, Ricky. We're a team here.
-I appreciate it. -Let's see what's under the hood.
All right, let's have a look.
Hot dog. I mean, that's like looking up Bridgette Wilson-Sampras' skirt.
We were up all night working on it. Like I said, a lot of teams gave parts.
Nice work, guys.
And your sponsors weren't doing very much, so...
...well, we repainted the car.
Well, take a look. Come on, guys.
Well, I like the cougar, but what company is "M.E."?
"Me" is you...
...because it's just you out there.
We don't have any corporate sponsors.
We don't have any fancy team owners.
We have you...
...and this car, and this cougar...
...which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome.
It's all there for you.
Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used...
...to bring together the Knights of the Round Table...
...until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen, in the biblical sense.
Okay, Glenn.
Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.
Guys, let's go win ourselves a race, all right?
-There you go. Yeah! -Right?
Let's get out there and win a race.
From Provence, France...
...driver of the number 55 Perrier car...
...Jean Girard.
From West River, North Carolina...
...driver of the number 47 Old Spice car...
... Cal Naughton Jr.
Hey, Carley.
-Hey, Ricky. -Carley! Hey, baby.
Baby.
Oh, hey, Ricky.
Hey, man. We missed you at the wedding.
-You missed me at the wedding? -Oh, man, it was so classy.
We had a Styx cover band and a nacho fountain.
Check it, it was a nacho fountain with six kinds of cheese on it.
-Liquid cheese? It cascaded down? -Yeah.
-Are you serious? -Amazing. Six different kinds.
Swiss, Havarti. What was the other one?
-Gouda. -Cheddar, Gouda.
That's the greatest thing I ever heard of.
Bean buffet in front of it. It was awesome.
Don't listen to him. And remember one thing, he's the competition.
You're not very focused right now. I need you to focus.
-Hey. -What?
-I'm the Magic Man now. Okay? -Yeah, I know.
So get ready for some tricks up these sleeves, all right?
Watch your buns, pal.
Baby, that is real good talk. Like we practiced last night.
I got something to tell you, you mangy piece of trash.
-What? -I'm sorry.
I took you for granted, Cal, and you were a really good friend to me...
...and I never gave you your due. It was my fault.
I'll tell you the truth. I'm a little confused by your tactics.
-Tactics? -Yeah. I'm gonna keep acting tough...
...until I figure it out. All right?
See you on the track.
-Come on, baby. -I love you.
I love you too. Come on.
Abracadabra, homes.
Hi, Bill Weber, along with Wally Dallenbach and Benny Parsons.
Thanks for having us. Today, Talladega, NASCAR's biggest track...
...where the big concern is the big wreck.
And it's not if it happens, it's where and when.
We have a guy in the race today that'll probably cause it, Ricky Bobby.
Starting in the rear of the field, underfunded...
...and the last time we saw him, he caused a big crash.
A lot of big stories and some big questions here at Talladega.
All right, go get them.
You must decide, Ricky Bobby.
Is it foolish pride, or is it greatness for you?
-Hey, Jarvis! -Go ahead, Cal.
If you slept with your best friend's wife...
-...why would he apologize to you? -Yeah, I know. That's weird.
That's what I'm saying. My head's all tied up like a pretzel.
I got a pretzel in my head.
-Ricky! -Come on, Dad!
I've got some big investors coming by.
These guys are big-money power players.
If things go right, they could have us owning half the cars in NASCAR.
So I want you-- No, I want you to behave.
-Oh, really? -Quiet.
Should I not tell them after 1 4 years of marriage...
...you're still afraid to let me see you naked?
That's not a fear thing, it's a trust thing.
Hey! I was wondering where you guys got off to.
Baby, this is Ted Beamen from Halliburton.
-Nice to meet you. -Over here...
...is Dick Tangfield from Dynacorp.
-Back there is.... -You have beautiful teeth.
Yes, he does. Get yourselves down there.
-Adorable. -Make yourselves at home...
-...grab something to eat, over here.... -Sweetheart, sweetheart.
You're a sweetie pie.
She's very affectionate. She suffered a recent loss--
You taste good too.
--so she's a little emotional.
Okay, that's fine. Go ahead, find a seat. Can we get these guys something?
Jean Girard started from the pole and is out to a big lead.
As you know, Bill, he's been doing that all year.
Where are you, Ricky Bobby? Come face your destroyer!
"Come face your destroyer"? Listen to how I sound.
I sound like a massive prick.
Come on, baby! Yeah, that's it.
All right, Lucius. Time to let the cougar loose.
Here we go, boys.
Ricky Bobby, in the 62 car, on the move.
He's gone from 26th to 1 8th place.
Now let's go to John Hannafin, in the stands with a country-music legend.
Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country-music stars...
...of all time, Kenny Rogers.
-What do you think of the race so far? -It's good. They're going really fast.
John, that's not Kenny Rogers.
In the song "The Gambler," you sang:
"You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run."
Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?
Mr. Bobby's very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.
Well, this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.
Well, that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.
Not even close.
Ricky, you've got Brian Wavecrest...
...the guy that replaced you at Dennit, dead ahead.
Bobby working really hard to pass the Wonder Bread car.
That's his old ride, of course.
We've passed the halfway mark with Ricky Bobby...
...now three car lengths behind the leader.
Maybe subconsciously you slept with Ricky's wife...
...as a way of getting back at him...
...for making you come in second all those years.
I know one thing, Carley was definitely unconscious every time we had sex.
Lucius, I got Cal Naughton dead ahead of me.
Hey, Cal, you should pay attention. I think he's passing you.
Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?
No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.
Go, Ricky! Go!
Let's go back to our John Hannafin...
...who's in the stands with an NBA legend, Larry Bird.
Folks, I'm here with one of the great NBA superstars...
...a real legend, Larry Bird.
I almost didn't recognize you with the sunglasses. What are you up to?
Come on, John, pay attention.
I'm concerned. He might have had a stroke.
Didn't Ricky Bobby used to drive for you?
-Oh, yeah, yeah. -He's doing quite well.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Richard!
Get Cal Naughton's crew chief on the radio right away.
I believe you have some tickets waiting for me. My name's Reese Bobby.
Reese Bobby.
Mister, these tickets have been waiting for you for a long time.
Who needs two? I got tickets!
Tickets, right here, 60 bucks a pop.
All right, Girard, I found you. Now let's see where this goes.
Bobby's gotten around Naughton...
...and now he's right behind Girard, but Girard's gonna block the track.
Man, he's scary good.
Ah, Ricky Bobby.
Now we shall dance, and yes, it will be a slow jam.
Damn it. Come on, man.
I was wrong about you, Ricky Bobby.
You are not the one to defeat me.
I can't get around him, man.
You tell Cal Naughton to take Ricky Bobby out.
Hey, Cal, listen. I hate to add to your tremendous moral confusion...
...but I just heard from Dennit.
He said to take Ricky Bobby out of the race or you're fired, buddy.
What are you talking about?
Tell him if he doesn't do it, he's done. That's right, he'll be driving a tour bus.
Well, you tell Mr. Dennit that Ricky Bobby is my best friend.
-And it's Shake and Bake time. -Cal, I don't like the way...
-...you're talking out there. -Damn the torpedoes!
Come on, man, slingshot it. Slingshot, come on.
I can't believe it. If it isn't Mike Honcho himself.
Shake and Bake, buddy!
Shake it before you bake it.
Here I come. Slingshot engaged.
Yeah!
I love you, Cal!
-What are you doing? -Can't believe it. Now I've seen it all.
Cal Naughton from Dennit Racing just helped a rival driver pass a teammate.
Darrell, you tell Brian Wavecrest to take out Cal Naughton right now.
Right now, you do it. You do it!
Yes, sir.
And the 26 car just ran Naughton into the wall.
Oh, man.
Damn you, Wavecrest!
The entire field was in that wreck, and we've only got six laps to go.
Only Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard got away clean.
It's just Jean and Ricky.
And now the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker.
Race officials have completed an extensive cleanup of the track.
We're ready to get back to racing.
The 200, 000 fans are on their feet, and the green flag is in the air.
Bobby and Girard are dueling each other for the lead.
No one seems to have the edge.
Go, go, go! Come on, come on, go!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final lap.
By the way, Ricky, I watched the Highlander movie.
It was shit.
Hang on, baby Jesus, this is gonna get bumpy.
I've seen a lot of big crashes at Talladega...
...but this is the longest one I've ever seen.
Let's take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back.
Hungry for both steak and shrimp?
Welcome back to Talladega, where the long one continues.
No, no! Jean Girard and Ricky Bobby have wrecked in the last lap...
...on the straightaway. What a shame.
Oh, God.
It looks like neither Girard or Bobby will finish this race.
We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR.
Coming up next, it's lce Dancing to the Hits of Motown.
Wait a minute, there's something going on on the track down there.
Oh, my God, they're racing each other on foot.
These men will not quit.
Go! Go!
Ricky, Ricky. He's going, he's going, he's going. Look!
He did it!
Well, I'll be damned.
Good for you, Ricky Bobby.
Yeah! Yeah!
Ricky Bobby wins!
You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes.
It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but that was something.
It was. That was really good.
Monsieur Bobby, by defeating me today...
...you have set me free.
And for that, I thank you.
I will never shake your hand, ever.
But I will give you this.
Sir, you taste of America.
Thank you.
No, once was good. Once was good.
Boy, that Halliburton. Halliburton's taken off, haven't they?
Yeah, yeah, we're doing well.
Now there's some stock I'd like to get my hands on.
Ladies and gentlemen, NASCAR fans...
...your eyes on Talladega's famed Victory Lane...
...as we get ready for trophy time here...
...following an exciting running of the Talladega 500.
First, a very brief explanation.
Because the drivers that finished first and second got out of their cars...
...they have officially been disqualified.
So now the winner, he was third, he's now number one:
Cal Naughton Jr.!
Yeah, come on, guys!
-Give me that thing. -Cal, you're number one!
I've been waiting a long time for you to say my name, man.
I know it's a technicality, but I tell you what...
...you try to take this away from me, I'll sock you in the face.
Ricky.
Give me that thing.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it!
-Cal! -Put me down.
I'm proud of you!
Get up here, man. No, you come up here.
You come up here.
-Cal Naughton! Cal Naughton. -Oh, my God.
For this to happen.... Am I dead, man?
You won the Talladega 500, all right?
I owe you an apology.
-Come on. -Man, I'm sorry about Carley.
She walked straight up to me and grabbed me in the crotch.
-It's like a tractor beam of hotness. -I know.
Shake and Bake?
No. Never again.
You're right. I was a total dick, man.
From now on...
...it's Magic Man...
...and El Diablo.
What's "Diablo" mean?
It's like, you know....
It's like Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.
-That's awesome. -I know.
-With the claws. -With the claws and the beak.
Where did you think of that?
You just-- Sometimes things click.
-I love you, bro. -I love you too.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
Excuse me, guys. Nice job.
Hey, Ricky.
Hey, Carley.
I've decided I can love you again. You're a winner.
-Yeah, I don't think so. -Really?
Are you prepared to walk away from these pearls...
...of delight?
Well.... Yeah, this is tough. How would it work?
-Would Cal move out? -Yep, gone.
Kids move back in?
-Can I just have a little refresher? -Of course, baby.
This is why you fell in love, don't forget.
Yeah, I'm in. I'm moving in right now.
I'll drive 1 00 miles an hour to your house.
-Our house. Our house. -Our house, yeah.
No, I'm not. Come on. It's gonna be awkward.
-Hey, baby. -Hey.
Wait a minute.
You are ready to walk away...
...from FHM magazine's number seven hottest ass...
...for the girl who forgets to get your dry cleaning?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
-Yeah. -Good luck, weirdoes.
-Carley, come back here. -Yes, Susie Q?
There's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time.
Thank you. Maybe one together?
-Susie Q, are those real? -Yeah.
Well, girl, you got some game.
-We'll see you on down the road. -Yeah.
-You seen Cal? -He's somewhere around here.
Hey, Cal! Baby, I'm coming. Thanks, baby.
-Maybe one more? -Oh, boys.
-She's crazy. -Oh, thank you.
-You did good. -Thanks, Mama.
He's amazing.
That was one heck of a day, I gotta say.
That's some nice driving there, cowboy.
-Hey, Daddy. -Well, hello, Reese.
Well, if it isn't our old mangy, transient grandfather.
Well said, grandson. Take that as a compliment.
Hey, Ricky, let me ask you a question.
Who did you win that race for?
Well, I sure as hell didn't win it for you.
I like hearing that.
I guess if I really gotta think about it...
...I just went out there and drove.
And knew that no matter what happened...
...my boys, my mama, and my lady would love me.
Hi, I'm his lady, I'm Susan.
I painted the car, l.... We had sex.
-ls that right? -Yeah.
Well, I wish I could've been there for that.
Son, I'm proud of you.
Yep. Yeah, I think.... I guess things are...
...just pretty much perfect right now.
It's making me a little itchy.
Well, what do you say we get thrown out of an Applebee's?
-That sound like a good idea? -You read my mind, son.
-You can cuss at Applebee's. -Everybody pile in.
How does one get thrown out of Applebee's?
-You're about to find out. -Okay.
Watch, the doors actually open.
-Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. -And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.
We just want to take a moment to talk to you about snow blindness in cats.
It's affecting more and more cats every year.
And it scares the living shit out of us.
Ninety-eight percent of us will die at some point in our lives.
The darkness is creeping towards you, whether you know it or not.
A little planning can go a long way.
Listen, leaving your big old corpse behind...
...for your loved ones to deal with ain't cool.
That's why you should call McCreedy Funeral Service.
McCreedy's. They'll find the hole and build the box.
Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it.
We like to have a lot of laughs on the racetrack...
...but today we wanna talk about something serious:
Packs of stray dogs that control most of the major cities.
That's packs of wild, vicious dogs that are controlling most of....
Sorry.
I like to picture Jesus like a mischievous badger.
Like a muscular trapeze artist.
Like a shapeshifter or a changeling, like that guy.
You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?
I like to think of Jesus as a figure skater...
...who wears, like, a white outfit...
...and he does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
Like a dirty old bum.
He comes up to me, I'm about to sock him one because he's a dirty old bum.
Then I said, "Wait a minute, I better not sock this guy.
Something special about him."
-Yeah, and it turns out it's Jesus. -Yeah.
One, two.... Oh, God.
-Not again! No go. No go! -It's stuck. It's stuck.
We got two knives in my leg.
I know, but one is a safety knife. One is a safety.
It's coming out. It's coming out.
I'm choking on my own spit.
It hurts so bad I'm choking on my own spit.
Good night, guys. I'm losing a lot of blood.
-Just relax, man. -Good night.
Ricky! Wake--
Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers.
You know, I put on the skirt and the four-inch heels, man.
I love it.
Sorry. Sorry.
I would be honored if you would let me sign your cast.
And I would be honored if you'd sign my balls.
-Oh, baby, that is a good one. -Hey, what are you doing?
"Don't touch a one of them. They're mine."
So, what do you think that story was about?
Doesn't the bear symbolize the old South...
...and the new dog, the encroaching industrialization of the North?
Duh. But the question is, should the reader feel relief or sadness...
...at the passing of the old South?
Well, how about both?
Oh, I get it. Moral ambiguity.
The hallmark of all early 20th-century American fiction.
-Great analysis, Walker. -Thank you.